UPDATE: This video has been removed from Youtube due to copyright infringement. FUCK YOU(tube)!
For those who haven't seen it, this is currently my ONLY video on YouTube, though i am thinking its time for a few more...
Derrick and You Banner
Friday, August 29, 2008
Thursday, August 28, 2008
8 Quick Reasons Why It Is Better To Be A Man Than A Woman
Apparently there is an age old debate on whether its better to be a man or a woman.
I am here to put an end to that.
Where did this argument come from? It is so obviously better to be a man!! If you are a female, you might want to not read this, because you will realize how much God hates you, then possibly try to kill yourself.
So here we go!
#8 - We Die First
Don't be crazy and think women have the advantage here because they live longer. No, a PESSIMEST would think they live longer. An Optimist, like me, would say that we Die Earlier! It's true.
Have you ever seen a 90 year old woman? Have you ever seen them smile? I think not.
Have you ever seen a 90 year old man smile? No, cuz he died 20 years ago!
God loves the male species, so he takes them to hang out in Heaven when they are ready. He leave women there for an extra couple years probably just to laugh at them. What a jerk. (He's totally a dude, though!)
#7 - We Are Stronger
Fact.
Okay, yea, sometimes there are strong women. Of course there is overlap, that is natural. The weakest man couldn't take out the strongest lady, it just wouldn't happen. But the strong women will never be as strong as the strong men. FACT.
Also, really strong women are often seen as kind of gross and manly anyway. We win!!!
#6 - The Pregnancy Thing
I give you my seed then laugh at you for 9 months while you go through pain, suffering, sickness, get fat, feel ugly, and become an emotional wreck. Then you experience TORTUROUS, LONG and EXCRUCIATINGLY PAINFUL LABOR.
Then the baby comes out and doesn't say thank you... doesn't love you more because of what you went through. In fact, most first words for a child is "Dada". FACT! The point is, the fact that you have to go through all that is shit, but whatever, I'm not complaining cause I'm glad it doesn't happen to me. You might argue "oh, it's amazing, you're missing out, it's wonderful". Sounds like someone is in denial. You know what's really amazing? Not having a baby growing inside of you for 9 months.
#5 - Make Up
Make up is annoying. I have had brief experience wearing it, like Halloween and such. It is a pain in the ass to put on and take off, and ironically seems to clog your pores and give you more skin problems so that you'll end up needing to wear even more of it later.
Why do you wear it then? Because if you don't, no one thinks you are pretty.
Sad but true.
Men are naturally beautiful, so we don't need make-up. It's good to be a man.
#4 - Sexual Versatility
Female orgasm is great, I'm sure, but the versatility the male anatomy gives us is incredible. Sure, you've got a few holes to deal with, but really it all boils down to more places to stick it.
Men have penises. Men also have a hole if they choose to use it. This immediately gives us many options ladies do not have.
This is especially useful for our friends the homosexuals. The lesbians get the shortest end of the sticks however, since having just two holes and a few tongues gives them about as much flexibility as quadriplegic gymnast.
Moving on.
#3 - More Respect, More Money
Fact.
#2 - The period.
A woman's monthly menstrual cycle is disgusting. Period. End of discussion.
The fact you have to go through this once a year is cringe worthy, but once a month? My God.
As Mr. Garrison from South Park once smartly stated: "I'm sorry, but I just don't trust anything that bleeds for seven days and doesn't die".
Throw PMS into the equation and what you have is a completely unenjoyable situation that stays with you most of your life.
Seems someone really has it in for you. His name is God.
AND THE NUMBER 1 REASON IT IS BETTER TO BE A MAN THAN A WOMAN
#1 - We pee standing up.
You don't realize how great this is. I gotta pee, I whip it out and I pee. It exemplifies all the best qualities of being a man in one! I want something, I get what I want, done. No arguments, no complications, no craziness. There's a hole in my boxers for ease (if I even decide to wear boxers) so the process takes maybe a few moments.
When in an uncomfortable public situation, such as a plane, bus, portapotty, etc., we can whip it out, pee blindly (all over the toilet seat if we want) and laugh all the way to the bank.
The ladies: They need to not only go through the entire process of creating a clear space where urine can freely leave you without getting all over your or your clothes, but you also need to either squat, clean, or get some horrible toilet disease. It's unfortunate, but it's the way it is.
Those are quick explanations for the 8 reasons, though of course I could go on longer. The fact is, it sucks to be a woman compared to a man. Really. And I'm not mocking you, I honestly feel bad you got stuck with all the shitty parts and maintenance. If God was a fair God, who would have had some trade-offs. Maybe keep you as frail and weaker, but require US to bleed from our orifices once a month. Or whatever, you keep the pregnancy thing but now we have to wear make-up and pee standing down.
But the fact is, it's not the way it is.
GIRL POWER
I am here to put an end to that.
Where did this argument come from? It is so obviously better to be a man!! If you are a female, you might want to not read this, because you will realize how much God hates you, then possibly try to kill yourself.
So here we go!
#8 - We Die First
Don't be crazy and think women have the advantage here because they live longer. No, a PESSIMEST would think they live longer. An Optimist, like me, would say that we Die Earlier! It's true.
Have you ever seen a 90 year old woman? Have you ever seen them smile? I think not.
Have you ever seen a 90 year old man smile? No, cuz he died 20 years ago!
God loves the male species, so he takes them to hang out in Heaven when they are ready. He leave women there for an extra couple years probably just to laugh at them. What a jerk. (He's totally a dude, though!)
#7 - We Are Stronger
Fact.
Okay, yea, sometimes there are strong women. Of course there is overlap, that is natural. The weakest man couldn't take out the strongest lady, it just wouldn't happen. But the strong women will never be as strong as the strong men. FACT.
Also, really strong women are often seen as kind of gross and manly anyway. We win!!!
#6 - The Pregnancy Thing
I give you my seed then laugh at you for 9 months while you go through pain, suffering, sickness, get fat, feel ugly, and become an emotional wreck. Then you experience TORTUROUS, LONG and EXCRUCIATINGLY PAINFUL LABOR.
Then the baby comes out and doesn't say thank you... doesn't love you more because of what you went through. In fact, most first words for a child is "Dada". FACT! The point is, the fact that you have to go through all that is shit, but whatever, I'm not complaining cause I'm glad it doesn't happen to me. You might argue "oh, it's amazing, you're missing out, it's wonderful". Sounds like someone is in denial. You know what's really amazing? Not having a baby growing inside of you for 9 months.
#5 - Make Up
Make up is annoying. I have had brief experience wearing it, like Halloween and such. It is a pain in the ass to put on and take off, and ironically seems to clog your pores and give you more skin problems so that you'll end up needing to wear even more of it later.
Why do you wear it then? Because if you don't, no one thinks you are pretty.
Sad but true.
Men are naturally beautiful, so we don't need make-up. It's good to be a man.
#4 - Sexual Versatility
Female orgasm is great, I'm sure, but the versatility the male anatomy gives us is incredible. Sure, you've got a few holes to deal with, but really it all boils down to more places to stick it.
Men have penises. Men also have a hole if they choose to use it. This immediately gives us many options ladies do not have.
This is especially useful for our friends the homosexuals. The lesbians get the shortest end of the sticks however, since having just two holes and a few tongues gives them about as much flexibility as quadriplegic gymnast.
Moving on.
#3 - More Respect, More Money
Fact.
#2 - The period.
A woman's monthly menstrual cycle is disgusting. Period. End of discussion.
The fact you have to go through this once a year is cringe worthy, but once a month? My God.
As Mr. Garrison from South Park once smartly stated: "I'm sorry, but I just don't trust anything that bleeds for seven days and doesn't die".
Throw PMS into the equation and what you have is a completely unenjoyable situation that stays with you most of your life.
Seems someone really has it in for you. His name is God.
AND THE NUMBER 1 REASON IT IS BETTER TO BE A MAN THAN A WOMAN
#1 - We pee standing up.
You don't realize how great this is. I gotta pee, I whip it out and I pee. It exemplifies all the best qualities of being a man in one! I want something, I get what I want, done. No arguments, no complications, no craziness. There's a hole in my boxers for ease (if I even decide to wear boxers) so the process takes maybe a few moments.
When in an uncomfortable public situation, such as a plane, bus, portapotty, etc., we can whip it out, pee blindly (all over the toilet seat if we want) and laugh all the way to the bank.
The ladies: They need to not only go through the entire process of creating a clear space where urine can freely leave you without getting all over your or your clothes, but you also need to either squat, clean, or get some horrible toilet disease. It's unfortunate, but it's the way it is.
Those are quick explanations for the 8 reasons, though of course I could go on longer. The fact is, it sucks to be a woman compared to a man. Really. And I'm not mocking you, I honestly feel bad you got stuck with all the shitty parts and maintenance. If God was a fair God, who would have had some trade-offs. Maybe keep you as frail and weaker, but require US to bleed from our orifices once a month. Or whatever, you keep the pregnancy thing but now we have to wear make-up and pee standing down.
But the fact is, it's not the way it is.
GIRL POWER
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Poem of the Week
AND NOW, A POEM, WRITTEN BY YOURS TRULY IN HIGH SCHOOL
I, NATURALLY, GOT AN A
And though it seems strange with us on our trip,
A 7 foot clown and his 2 foot midget
They went from town to town, each week was a new hike,
Through hills and valleys they searched for kids as they rode upon a one wheeled bike.
Fabulous entertainers, they carried a bag full of tricks,
Like a rotating wheel of legs, party favors and sticks.
With his marvelous make-up, he was a quite a site,
The jovial giant with his face pasty white.
Around his lips, a giant blot of red,
That matched the great afro that covered his head.
And at its tip his nose displayed,
A big red ball of cotton its made!
He wore polka dot pants, too big for his waist,
So he needed suspenders to keep them in place.
When he wears a shirt, its usually too tight,
But usually he doesnt and thats just not right!
Upon his hands, white like doves,
He wears a pair of matching silk gloves.
Though he has been many places, for most he's sent packing,
For the people dislike his disturbing action!
Though great at his job, it did him no good,
According to him, he's just misunderstood!!
But to win the love of the kids in town,
Was the true reason he was such a magnificant clown.
On bottle of whiskey, he spent all his pelf,
Bottles bigger than the midget himself.
The midget so small with his disgruntled look,
To the side of his friend the clown he took.
The midget so small only 2foot2
So tiny he sleeps in the clowns floppy shoe.
Cigar in his mouth, most think he looks funny,
As he stands on a box collecting the clowns money.
With the dynamic duo we were set for our trip,
Derrick, Megan, the clown and that crazy midget!
I, NATURALLY, GOT AN A
And though it seems strange with us on our trip,
A 7 foot clown and his 2 foot midget
They went from town to town, each week was a new hike,
Through hills and valleys they searched for kids as they rode upon a one wheeled bike.
Fabulous entertainers, they carried a bag full of tricks,
Like a rotating wheel of legs, party favors and sticks.
With his marvelous make-up, he was a quite a site,
The jovial giant with his face pasty white.
Around his lips, a giant blot of red,
That matched the great afro that covered his head.
And at its tip his nose displayed,
A big red ball of cotton its made!
He wore polka dot pants, too big for his waist,
So he needed suspenders to keep them in place.
When he wears a shirt, its usually too tight,
But usually he doesnt and thats just not right!
Upon his hands, white like doves,
He wears a pair of matching silk gloves.
Though he has been many places, for most he's sent packing,
For the people dislike his disturbing action!
Though great at his job, it did him no good,
According to him, he's just misunderstood!!
But to win the love of the kids in town,
Was the true reason he was such a magnificant clown.
On bottle of whiskey, he spent all his pelf,
Bottles bigger than the midget himself.
The midget so small with his disgruntled look,
To the side of his friend the clown he took.
The midget so small only 2foot2
So tiny he sleeps in the clowns floppy shoe.
Cigar in his mouth, most think he looks funny,
As he stands on a box collecting the clowns money.
With the dynamic duo we were set for our trip,
Derrick, Megan, the clown and that crazy midget!
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Today
I am having a difficult time today of discerning cute boys from cute
lesbians. I feary problems will only get worse because I AM ON MY WAY
TO NYC TO VISIT MY FRIEND PEGGY!!
lesbians. I feary problems will only get worse because I AM ON MY WAY
TO NYC TO VISIT MY FRIEND PEGGY!!
Yessss.
------
Sent from my iPhone
857 523 0261
Friday, August 22, 2008
7 TV SHOWS THAT WOULD BE ON TV IF I CONTROLLED TV
Ladies and Gentlemen. If I ruled the airwaves then things would be very different. These are 7 shows that would rule the ratings game if I controlled television. If you would like to see any of this then you should work towards getting me to rule TV!!!
1) Reality Show: My Sweet Eightieth
No one cares about whiny young bitches too spoiled for their britches making asinine demands and being totally unappreciative. No, I would bring in a new batch of reality TV. This show would follow the process of planning and executing an eightieth birthday bash for some old ladies who really need it. Featuring countless celebrity appearances, including many of today's favorite artists like Chris Brown, The Jonas Brothers and The F*ck Toddlers, these grannies will party like never before... if they live to see the day.
2) Dramatic Chipmunk, the Series
I'm sorry, but I love dramatic chipmunk. No wait, I'm not sorry, why should I be sorry? It's flippin amazing.
First off, watch this brilliant piece of Youtube:
I would take what is inarguably the best 5 second clip on Youtube, and turn it into what would INARGUABLY be the greatest 1 hour long drama this world has ever seen.
It would of course be a serialized crime drama, with the Dramatic Chipmunk teaming with his ragtag cohorts "The Sneezing Panda" and Chris Tucker to create the first ever TV Show based off of a Youtube clip, and also one of the best shows of our generation. Week after increasingly dramatic week, our friend DC will solve unsolvable crimes and reveal to the world just how dramatic a chipmunk he could be!
3) America's Next Top Bottom
This word pun would also be an excellent gay reality show. I feel this needs very little explanation, so let's move on....
4) This blog.
Yes, this blog will be a show. Think of it as a classy public access show. A cameraman will film my blog for people without internet access to read. This one is reccomended for DVR recording since then you can read at your own pace. Will include multiple language tracks and subtitles, as well as Celebrity Narrations (Felicia Rashad, Amy Sedaris to name a few) for the Blind and Louder Celebrity Narrations (Gilbert Godfrey, Roseanne to name a few) for the Hard of Hearing. I expect this to be the highest rated show ever.
5) Monkey.
This hit political dramady, Monkey, is a lot like the current HBO hit, Dexter. Except instead of being a relatable and friendly serial killer, Monkey is a relatable and friendly child rapist. We learn of his trials and tribulations and follow the rocky life of this friendly, lovable child diddler as he deals with such topical issues as the dwindling economy, terrorism/suicice, and Black Presidents.
EDIT: Dexter is on SHOWTIME. Monkey will be on HBO. Sorry for the confusion. Thanks goes to Nick Nambla for pointing this out.
6) J.K. Rowling-On-Floor-Laughing-My-Ass-Off
Two hours of stand-up comedy from acclaimed British writer J.K. Rowling. Each week, fans will call in and vote for their favorite joke. The boy and girl in the Continental United States who calls in/votes the least after each episode will be executed via firing squad. We feel this will lead to a huge audience participation which J.K. Rowling demands!
7) Derrick & Me - The Story of Me
This long-running docu-mini-series will chronicle the life of me. I figure, if I am in charge of everything that goes on TV, I must be pretty important, so people must really like me! In each episode, I go through the process of screening shows, reading scripts, and deciding what is appropriate viewing material for Derrick TV. The show will be completely non-fiction, except for the role of my CRAZY Personal Assistant, who will be scripted and played by Wanda Sykes.
THERE IT IS, LADIES. TV SHOWS IF I RULED THE AIRWAVES. If you want this to be your reality, let's rally together and get me this cushy job I've always dreamed of. Peace, kittens.
I'm Back
Guess who's back.
Back again.
Derrick's back.
Tell some friends.
Guesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sback
BOOM!
That was Guess Who's Back, an origional piece by me, Derrick.
Sorry it's been days blog. I wish I could say that it won't happen again, but I'd be lying. I am a fickle blogger. This is why I didn't wanna blog to begin with! I will try to be more consistent, but I will likely let you down on SEVERAL occasions.
It's been a busy week at work, what can I say!!!
If you wanna know what's been going on in my life, read this blog --> http://bowlofgranola.blogspot.com or this one http://htrigfall08.blogspot.com/
Any manways.
Next entry will be a good one. Oh boy will it be. (It won't.)
Stay tuned, Monkey-for-Brains!
Back again.
Derrick's back.
Tell some friends.
Guesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sbackGuesswho'sback
BOOM!
That was Guess Who's Back, an origional piece by me, Derrick.
Sorry it's been days blog. I wish I could say that it won't happen again, but I'd be lying. I am a fickle blogger. This is why I didn't wanna blog to begin with! I will try to be more consistent, but I will likely let you down on SEVERAL occasions.
It's been a busy week at work, what can I say!!!
If you wanna know what's been going on in my life, read this blog --> http://bowlofgranola.blogspot.com or this one http://htrigfall08.blogspot.com/
Any manways.
Next entry will be a good one. Oh boy will it be. (It won't.)
Stay tuned, Monkey-for-Brains!
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
DERRICK DIRECT #1
LISTEN YOU BABY. Just shut up. Geez. It's one thing to cry over something, it's another to cry over something else which is stupider than the first thing!
GOD! And it's a WHOLE 'NOTHER THING to suck it up and NOT cry about it.
All you babies, specifically you OH BIG BABY OF THE LAND, need to grow balls and use em. I don't wanna hear you cry anymore, unless you fall into one of these socially acceptable crying situations:
**you are under the age of 1
**you just popped your elbow out of your socket while weightlifting at the Beijing 2008 Olympics
**you are watching Spider-Man 2
THAT IS IT. NO EXCEPTIONS. IF YOU'RE NOT DOING EITHER OF THOSE THINGS, SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!!! NO ONE CARES. IF YOU FEEL LIKE YOU NEED TO CRY OVER EVERY LITTLE THING, THEN JUMP INTO A FURNACE.
That'll give you something to cry about.
But don't, cuz it's not on my list of acceptable crying situations.
LOVE,
DIRECT DERRICK
GOD! And it's a WHOLE 'NOTHER THING to suck it up and NOT cry about it.
All you babies, specifically you OH BIG BABY OF THE LAND, need to grow balls and use em. I don't wanna hear you cry anymore, unless you fall into one of these socially acceptable crying situations:
**you are under the age of 1
**you just popped your elbow out of your socket while weightlifting at the Beijing 2008 Olympics
**you are watching Spider-Man 2
THAT IS IT. NO EXCEPTIONS. IF YOU'RE NOT DOING EITHER OF THOSE THINGS, SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!!! NO ONE CARES. IF YOU FEEL LIKE YOU NEED TO CRY OVER EVERY LITTLE THING, THEN JUMP INTO A FURNACE.
That'll give you something to cry about.
But don't, cuz it's not on my list of acceptable crying situations.
LOVE,
DIRECT DERRICK
Saturday, August 9, 2008
This blog entry is brought to you by Nissan.
So ladies and gentleladies, last night I went to a bar that was probably the funnest bar I've been to in recent memory. It was Jake Ivory's something or other right next to Fenway, and it's essentially a piano bar for 20-somethings with dueling piano's and 10 dollar pints of Corona.
The best moment was definitely when I paid the piano players 5 bucks to Rickroll the entire bar. Oh was it a beautiful moment. Piano Man with Kristina was also a lot lot lot of fun. That is the moment in the night when I realised I was too drunk and having too much fun.
It should also be noted the reason we were there was to celebrate Graham's birthday. It was excellent seeing him. Happy B-Day Graham, even though I don't think will ever read this even if trapped on a desert island with nothing but my blog to read.
Instead of finding a picture to post for this entry, I want you to use your imagination:
That wasn't so hard, was it? Tell me, please, what did you see?!?!?!?!?
Love you more.
So ladies and gentleladies, last night I went to a bar that was probably the funnest bar I've been to in recent memory. It was Jake Ivory's something or other right next to Fenway, and it's essentially a piano bar for 20-somethings with dueling piano's and 10 dollar pints of Corona.
The best moment was definitely when I paid the piano players 5 bucks to Rickroll the entire bar. Oh was it a beautiful moment. Piano Man with Kristina was also a lot lot lot of fun. That is the moment in the night when I realised I was too drunk and having too much fun.
It should also be noted the reason we were there was to celebrate Graham's birthday. It was excellent seeing him. Happy B-Day Graham, even though I don't think will ever read this even if trapped on a desert island with nothing but my blog to read.
Instead of finding a picture to post for this entry, I want you to use your imagination:
That wasn't so hard, was it? Tell me, please, what did you see?!?!?!?!?
Love you more.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
More Kat Deely
In honor of the So You Think You Can Dance Finale, Two More Kat Deely Pics
P.S. Apparently it's C-A-T Deely. Meh.
ENJOY:
P.S. Apparently it's C-A-T Deely. Meh.
ENJOY:
This One's For Katie
Once upon a time, my best friend lived in Massachusetts. Her name, at the time, was Katie Anonymous.
Behold, Katie Anonymous!
Anyway, now she lives in Texas, so her name is "Who? Oh, yea her." Frankly, this name has too many syllables, so I try not to say it too often.
I still do miss her dearly, so here are 5 Things The Internet Should Know About Who? Oh, yea her.:
1) Katie is a Jew.
I don't mean Jew in the way that JEWS are Jews. She wasn't born of a Jewish vagina. She doesn't eat strictly kosher. I'm pretty sure she spent the last 5 Sabbaths passed out from excess drinking. She doesn't really even fully believe in G-d. Still, she is a Jew. You might not understand this, but that just means that you don't understand what makes Jews Jews.
2) Katie likes porn.
This one is a given. Everyone likes porn. Contrary to belief, Katie is a person. Moving on!
3) Katie's boyfriend was alive when the Mongol's ruled China.
He is old. Fact.
4) Katie once killed a man because he didn't satisfy her in bad, and killed his son because she could.
She is cold-blooded, insane, and unquestionably sassy.
5) Katie is a lot of bit racist.
She will claim everyone is a little bit racist. Not her. There is more than a little bit of racism in her voice when she calls to tell me about the "f*cking Mexicans" that touch her boobies and rape her face. GET OVER IT! I know for a fact that if a white man was touching her boobies or raping her face, she would NOT be complaining.
(Unless it was this guy)
This blog might as well have been called "5 Things I Love About My Best Friend Katie Anonymous". Makes no difference.
This is all truth. Fact. Look it up --> www.wikipedia.org
And peace.
Behold, Katie Anonymous!
Anyway, now she lives in Texas, so her name is "Who? Oh, yea her." Frankly, this name has too many syllables, so I try not to say it too often.
I still do miss her dearly, so here are 5 Things The Internet Should Know About Who? Oh, yea her.:
1) Katie is a Jew.
I don't mean Jew in the way that JEWS are Jews. She wasn't born of a Jewish vagina. She doesn't eat strictly kosher. I'm pretty sure she spent the last 5 Sabbaths passed out from excess drinking. She doesn't really even fully believe in G-d. Still, she is a Jew. You might not understand this, but that just means that you don't understand what makes Jews Jews.
2) Katie likes porn.
This one is a given. Everyone likes porn. Contrary to belief, Katie is a person. Moving on!
3) Katie's boyfriend was alive when the Mongol's ruled China.
He is old. Fact.
4) Katie once killed a man because he didn't satisfy her in bad, and killed his son because she could.
She is cold-blooded, insane, and unquestionably sassy.
5) Katie is a lot of bit racist.
She will claim everyone is a little bit racist. Not her. There is more than a little bit of racism in her voice when she calls to tell me about the "f*cking Mexicans" that touch her boobies and rape her face. GET OVER IT! I know for a fact that if a white man was touching her boobies or raping her face, she would NOT be complaining.
(Unless it was this guy)
This blog might as well have been called "5 Things I Love About My Best Friend Katie Anonymous". Makes no difference.
This is all truth. Fact. Look it up --> www.wikipedia.org
And peace.
Monday, August 4, 2008
PHOTO CONTEST RESULTS - Cutest Ferret '08
Ladies and Gentlemen, the results are in for the latest PHOTO CONTEST, and this one was the biggest one yet! I asked for a picture of your pet ferrett, and we have a winner.
Out of over 20,000 ENTRIES since July 1st, the winner is
LIL' BETTY LOLA LAGUNA WHITE KENSINGTON ESQUIRE III from EVERETT, MASSACHUSETTS
Congrats Lola on a job-well-cute.
Your prize? A lifetime of Ferrett food for LOLA, paid for by me. Congrats.
Out of over 20,000 ENTRIES since July 1st, the winner is
LIL' BETTY LOLA LAGUNA WHITE KENSINGTON ESQUIRE III from EVERETT, MASSACHUSETTS
Congrats Lola on a job-well-cute.
Your prize? A lifetime of Ferrett food for LOLA, paid for by me. Congrats.
The poem of the Day for Monday, 8/4
Man Cannot Live on Bread Alone
Or At Least That's What They Say
Nobody's Tried, So Nobody's
Died, Just Eating Bread All Day
A Man CAN Live in Bed Alone
You Know That's True at Least...
Sorry this poem doesn't have a true ending. I ran out of Letters.
Or At Least That's What They Say
Nobody's Tried, So Nobody's
Died, Just Eating Bread All Day
A Man CAN Live in Bed Alone
You Know That's True at Least...
Sorry this poem doesn't have a true ending. I ran out of Letters.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
5 Beers too Much! 4 Different Bars, 3 of them Gay, 2 Drunken Boys and a Taxi going to JP
Why must we get hangovers after a night of great fun? Why can't it just be great fun with no strings attached.
Frankly, nothing in life is no strings attached. Except a broken tampon. And even then it's not so pleasant now is it?
I worked a 10:45 shift last night, during which me and my new late night friend Patrick created a rousing game of HTC Pav Bingo, where all the spaces consisted of annoying things patrons to the theatre often do. Needless to say we did get Bingo.
Two particular patrons who were completely drunk (and not together, they came one after another) were quite amusing and almost caused us to fill our board. They really were a delight. The male drunk was mumbling some ridiculous story to me and I really only understood about 10% of it.
But the prize for best patron conversation of the night was the drunk lady, who said "You know who you remind me of?" I of course had no idea WHAT this woman could be thinking of.
She replied "Cheech and Chong!" to which I retorted "I remind you of Cheech AND Chong?", which apparently was the case.
After the shift I went out to drink with my friendly and wildly entertaining staff who had already been out drinking and were pretty much 75% in the bag. Since I had some catching up to do I pretty quickly chugged two beers and then soon after everyone decided it was time to bounce, as it were.
That wouldn't stop my night though. If only it did. But I continued the debauchery with a visit to THREE gay bars with my good pal Joshua, the first consisting of general hellos and drunk-be-getting, the second consisting of primadonnas and DANCING, and the last consisting of flirting with creepy older men in order to get free drinks (which worked, old men love me).
I then stayed the night in JP, and then some more stuff happened, but I don't really remember.
I should point out that Kristina Marie Gage, a close and personal pal of mine, invented friendship.
It's just the way it is.
And now, I am hung over. And it's muggy and raining. And my eyes hurt. It's like Christmas all over again...
Frankly, nothing in life is no strings attached. Except a broken tampon. And even then it's not so pleasant now is it?
I worked a 10:45 shift last night, during which me and my new late night friend Patrick created a rousing game of HTC Pav Bingo, where all the spaces consisted of annoying things patrons to the theatre often do. Needless to say we did get Bingo.
Two particular patrons who were completely drunk (and not together, they came one after another) were quite amusing and almost caused us to fill our board. They really were a delight. The male drunk was mumbling some ridiculous story to me and I really only understood about 10% of it.
But the prize for best patron conversation of the night was the drunk lady, who said "You know who you remind me of?" I of course had no idea WHAT this woman could be thinking of.
She replied "Cheech and Chong!" to which I retorted "I remind you of Cheech AND Chong?", which apparently was the case.
After the shift I went out to drink with my friendly and wildly entertaining staff who had already been out drinking and were pretty much 75% in the bag. Since I had some catching up to do I pretty quickly chugged two beers and then soon after everyone decided it was time to bounce, as it were.That wouldn't stop my night though. If only it did. But I continued the debauchery with a visit to THREE gay bars with my good pal Joshua, the first consisting of general hellos and drunk-be-getting, the second consisting of primadonnas and DANCING, and the last consisting of flirting with creepy older men in order to get free drinks (which worked, old men love me).
I then stayed the night in JP, and then some more stuff happened, but I don't really remember.
I should point out that Kristina Marie Gage, a close and personal pal of mine, invented friendship.
It's just the way it is.
And now, I am hung over. And it's muggy and raining. And my eyes hurt. It's like Christmas all over again...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
