Ladies and Gentlemen. If I ruled the airwaves then things would be very different. These are 7 shows that would rule the ratings game if I controlled television. If you would like to see any of this then you should work towards getting me to rule TV!!!
1) Reality Show: My Sweet Eightieth
No one cares about whiny young bitches too spoiled for their britches making asinine demands and being totally unappreciative. No, I would bring in a new batch of reality TV. This show would follow the process of planning and executing an eightieth birthday bash for some old ladies who really need it. Featuring countless celebrity appearances, including many of today's favorite artists like Chris Brown, The Jonas Brothers and The F*ck Toddlers, these grannies will party like never before... if they live to see the day.
2) Dramatic Chipmunk, the Series
I'm sorry, but I love dramatic chipmunk. No wait, I'm not sorry, why should I be sorry? It's flippin amazing.
First off, watch this brilliant piece of Youtube:
I would take what is inarguably the best 5 second clip on Youtube, and turn it into what would INARGUABLY be the greatest 1 hour long drama this world has ever seen.
It would of course be a serialized crime drama, with the Dramatic Chipmunk teaming with his ragtag cohorts "The Sneezing Panda" and Chris Tucker to create the first ever TV Show based off of a Youtube clip, and also one of the best shows of our generation. Week after increasingly dramatic week, our friend DC will solve unsolvable crimes and reveal to the world just how dramatic a chipmunk he could be!
3) America's Next Top Bottom
This word pun would also be an excellent gay reality show. I feel this needs very little explanation, so let's move on....
4) This blog.
Yes, this blog will be a show. Think of it as a classy public access show. A cameraman will film my blog for people without internet access to read. This one is reccomended for DVR recording since then you can read at your own pace. Will include multiple language tracks and subtitles, as well as Celebrity Narrations (Felicia Rashad, Amy Sedaris to name a few) for the Blind and Louder Celebrity Narrations (Gilbert Godfrey, Roseanne to name a few) for the Hard of Hearing. I expect this to be the highest rated show ever.
5) Monkey.
This hit political dramady, Monkey, is a lot like the current HBO hit, Dexter. Except instead of being a relatable and friendly serial killer, Monkey is a relatable and friendly child rapist. We learn of his trials and tribulations and follow the rocky life of this friendly, lovable child diddler as he deals with such topical issues as the dwindling economy, terrorism/suicice, and Black Presidents.
EDIT: Dexter is on SHOWTIME. Monkey will be on HBO. Sorry for the confusion. Thanks goes to Nick Nambla for pointing this out.
6) J.K. Rowling-On-Floor-Laughing-My-Ass-Off
Two hours of stand-up comedy from acclaimed British writer J.K. Rowling. Each week, fans will call in and vote for their favorite joke. The boy and girl in the Continental United States who calls in/votes the least after each episode will be executed via firing squad. We feel this will lead to a huge audience participation which J.K. Rowling demands!
7) Derrick & Me - The Story of Me
This long-running docu-mini-series will chronicle the life of me. I figure, if I am in charge of everything that goes on TV, I must be pretty important, so people must really like me! In each episode, I go through the process of screening shows, reading scripts, and deciding what is appropriate viewing material for Derrick TV. The show will be completely non-fiction, except for the role of my CRAZY Personal Assistant, who will be scripted and played by Wanda Sykes.
THERE IT IS, LADIES. TV SHOWS IF I RULED THE AIRWAVES. If you want this to be your reality, let's rally together and get me this cushy job I've always dreamed of. Peace, kittens.
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