It's that time of the month again.
I am going to look into my crystal balls and predict the major events and news stories for the month of May.
*Scientists will discover that the reason this little piggy went whee whee whee all the way home was in fact swine flu. 2 weeks later, we will slaughter the little piggy and partake in his delicious swine-y goodness.
*Bacon is declared the national flower
*Lots of people will watch lots of porn.
*Due to lack of April showers, May flowers will not bloom. Instead, we will get May showers. No one knows what May showers brings, not even NostraDerrick, but whatever it is, it's not good.
*Zombie Bea Arthur will eat Betty White. Rue McClanahan, sensing the end is near, will reinvigorate her career by doing the innovative porn sitcom (and true sequel to the golden girls, F golden palace!) entitled Golden Shower Girls.
*Lots of people will watch lots of Golden Girls porn.
*Zombie Bea Arthur eats Rue McClanahan in the series finale of GSG. I'm not going into any more details than that. The show is cancelled after two weeks. It's disgusting.
*Time machine is invented on May 28, 2009. Used to go back in time and stop GSG from ever existing. Without GSG, the pressure to create a time machine is gone, and therefore doesn't exist, thus creating a time paradox we will never escape from.
Aaaand that's May! If none of this happens, it's likely just because you live in one of the alternate dimensions our time games created. Consider yourself lucky.
Derrick and You Banner
Friday, May 1, 2009
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Paula Abdul Pic of The Week
If it wasn't for Paula Abdul, this blog wouldn't exist... *sigh*
Maybe I'll update more once Buffy is out of my life.
Anyway........
THE PAULA ABDUL PIC OF THE WEEK!!!
And a personal favorite.
Avid fans of this blog may notice I have a new time bar at the bottom of the screen. TIVO FTW!
Maybe I'll update more once Buffy is out of my life.
Anyway........
THE PAULA ABDUL PIC OF THE WEEK!!!
And a personal favorite.
Avid fans of this blog may notice I have a new time bar at the bottom of the screen. TIVO FTW!
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Thursday, March 12, 2009
THE 2009 DERKIES
Ladies and Gentlemen it's that time of year again. THE 2009 DERKIES╝, where we present the awards for the best of the year 2009. Sure, it's a bit early, but let's face it, the best of 2009 has come and come again. Why delay the inevitable?
AND SO HERE WEEEEE GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
This movie had it all: f'd up "superheroes", fear of nuclear annhilation, a tittilating story, Rorschach, beautiful cinematography, and a big blue floppy penis. Insta-win.
RUNNER-UP: MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3D
Blood. Gore. In 3D. yes
Why? I dunno, haven't read it. Books... ha!
RUNNER-UP: THE RED PEPPER by My Fronz
Please, bitch, I sort of love Katy Perry. Does that make me gay?? (no that'd be my attraction to guys... what?!)
RUNNER-UP: "My Life Would Suck Without You" by Kelly Clarkson
Whatever, Kelly Clarkson does no wrong, get over it.
LOST narrowly edges out our runner-up of this year. Sorry, BSG, but even with your amazing 3 hour finale, (especially the last two) LOST simply had a more consistent, exciting all-around year. Boo ya.
RUNNER-UP: BATTLESTAR GALACTICA
Went out with a Bang. BSG This year had some ups (OMG THE FINALE, WTF!!!!!) and some downs (Ellen's first two episodes back, WTF?Buttplug) but all in all this show will go down as one of the greatest.... everrrrrr
Gory, beautiful, gory, fun, and gory. 4 words that describe Madworld to a T. Must buy.
RUNNER UP: THE HOUSE OF THE DEAD OVERKILL
In case anyone hasn't noticed, I love killing Zombies. This game allows me to do it, and do it with friends. Three thumbs up.
Like 40 or more of the best classic games ever?? For 30 bucks?! With acheivements?! I died.
RUNNER-UP: RESIDENT EVIL 5
Once again, killing zombies with Fronz. Win.
AND SO HERE WEEEEE GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
BEST FILM OF 2009
WINNER: THE WATCHMEN
WINNER: THE WATCHMEN
This movie had it all: f'd up "superheroes", fear of nuclear annhilation, a tittilating story, Rorschach, beautiful cinematography, and a big blue floppy penis. Insta-win.
RUNNER-UP: MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3D
Blood. Gore. In 3D. yes
BEST BOOK OF 2009
WINNER: FOOL by Christopher Moore
WINNER: FOOL by Christopher Moore
Why? I dunno, haven't read it. Books... ha!
RUNNER-UP: THE RED PEPPER by My Fronz
BEST SONG OF 2009
WINNER: "Thinking of You" by Katy Perry
WINNER: "Thinking of You" by Katy Perry
Please, bitch, I sort of love Katy Perry. Does that make me gay?? (no that'd be my attraction to guys... what?!)
RUNNER-UP: "My Life Would Suck Without You" by Kelly Clarkson
Whatever, Kelly Clarkson does no wrong, get over it.
BEST TV SHOW
WINNER: LOST
WINNER: LOST
LOST narrowly edges out our runner-up of this year. Sorry, BSG, but even with your amazing 3 hour finale, (especially the last two) LOST simply had a more consistent, exciting all-around year. Boo ya.
RUNNER-UP: BATTLESTAR GALACTICA
Went out with a Bang. BSG This year had some ups (OMG THE FINALE, WTF!!!!!) and some downs (Ellen's first two episodes back, WTF?Buttplug) but all in all this show will go down as one of the greatest.... everrrrrr
BEST WII GAME
WINNER: MADWORLD
WINNER: MADWORLD
Gory, beautiful, gory, fun, and gory. 4 words that describe Madworld to a T. Must buy.
RUNNER UP: THE HOUSE OF THE DEAD OVERKILL
In case anyone hasn't noticed, I love killing Zombies. This game allows me to do it, and do it with friends. Three thumbs up.
BEST XBOX 360 GAME
WINNER: SONIC'S ULTIMATE GENESIS COLLECTION
WINNER: SONIC'S ULTIMATE GENESIS COLLECTION
Like 40 or more of the best classic games ever?? For 30 bucks?! With acheivements?! I died.
RUNNER-UP: RESIDENT EVIL 5
Once again, killing zombies with Fronz. Win.
BEST PS3 GAME
N/A
(ohhhh fanboyism...)
N/A
(ohhhh fanboyism...)
There you have it. Congrats to all the DERKIES Winners this year.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
PAULA ABDUL PIC OF THE WEEK!
WHAT A TREAT!
This week, the Paula Abdul pic of the week. IN .GIF FORMAT!!!
This week, the Paula Abdul pic of the week. IN .GIF FORMAT!!!
.GIF Courtesy of http://gickr.com/
Here they are broken down for you:
And what the heck, here's a shortened .GIF - yes, she is winking at you!
All images are mine, taken from American Idol, with my iPhone, thanks!
7 BEST VIDEOGAMES EVERRRRRRR - # 7
Hello Ladies and Gentlemans, it's blog time (now featuring: colors!). For those of you that don't know, I like videogames. Sort of a lot. I have easily played hundreds of games, possibly close to a thousand, if you include online flash games, computer games, rentals, games I own from all gens, arcade games.. Jizzum Krissum, it's a lot. Now I have never, EVER ranked these games in terms of favorites. Just as I have never done to movies. How could I ever come up with a Top 5, Top 10, even top 50,and then rank them?! Dear Goodness! Well, ladies, I have done it. And let me tell you, boys, it was hard. I have come up with my 7 favorite games ever. I will list the game, summarize the plot as I perceive it, explain why it's so awesome, and even throw a few quizzical tidbits of fun info on there involving my own personal play experiences. Oh, and you are not allowed to disagree with this list. It's canon. Without further ado, the 7th Best Videogame Everrrrrrr:
Awards and other titles worth noting:
#7 in best games of all time
Most Addicting Award
The Multiplayer Award
The Did-I-Really-Just-Play-That-Level-For-The-Thousanth-Time Award
The Most Pointless Familiar in anything Ever award.
The I Wanna Shoot My Friend in the Face for Being A Bigger Loot Whore Than Me Award
PHANTASY STAR ONLINE
Fuck. If you are like me, and I think you are, the mere mention of this game will send an uncomfortable shiver down your spine. You may start frothing at the mouth. You may feel an urge to kill something (and hope it drops a red box, dear God, let it drop a red box...), or may simply revert back to a nearly comatose, sleepless state staring at the computer screen and pushing imaginary buttons on that mammoth monstrosity known as the original Xbox Controller (or Dreamcast for you old schoolers) as if it were a phantom limb.
Now I have tried addicting games before: I've played World of Warcraft.. meh. I thought I was addicted to Snood for a bit, but I was just bored. I even spent many sleepless nights in Vana'diel playing FFXI. None compare to the MONTHS and HOURS I put into this stupid, repetitive, glitchy, beautiful game created by God himself.
The plot? Um, actually, I dunno... in the hundreds upon hundreds of hours I played this game, i didn't catch one. Something about being in space? Yea that's it! You're in space, and the humans and elfy things and robots are all living happily, until monsters come and steal all your Meseta and put all your most valuable items in a box, and eat them. The only way to get them back is to kill the beasts, which will cause them to dissapear, leaving the boxes behind. Conveniently, these creatures labeled the box by least rare to most rare, so that the players working together to recover the goods can yell and scream about why they deserve the contents of that precious red goodness.
Why is it so amazing? Well, you continuously smash the same button over and over again doing mundane combos, killing everything in a room, then moving on to the next one. Sound great? It is. It's a freaking loot drop game, and that's what's most important. And when you play it with friends, it's even better.
A few fun tidbits?
Sure. While I had multiple characters, my human character Deralma was the most used, reaching about Level 120 (the max being 200, yes I didn't even max out). He used both Melee and some magic for healing and ranged damage.
His initial outfit was red, and he specialized in Fire magic. He later used ice magic and turned to a frosty blue color (with hair to match). After receiving what was his ultimate weapon, two devastatingly powerful yellow shortswords (dual wield, FTW!), he changed his outfit and hair to match to a fun yellow, and used lightning. Wheeeeee!
While I put in hundreds of hours, most of it was logged in Offline with my friends (fronz?). I didn't have a Live account for long, since internet didn't work at college with XBox, and when I tried playing it online at home, it was rampart with cheaters and hackers. Of course, the hackers are responsible for my favorite weapon in the game, my dual yellow swords...
Now I have tried addicting games before: I've played World of Warcraft.. meh. I thought I was addicted to Snood for a bit, but I was just bored. I even spent many sleepless nights in Vana'diel playing FFXI. None compare to the MONTHS and HOURS I put into this stupid, repetitive, glitchy, beautiful game created by God himself.
The plot? Um, actually, I dunno... in the hundreds upon hundreds of hours I played this game, i didn't catch one. Something about being in space? Yea that's it! You're in space, and the humans and elfy things and robots are all living happily, until monsters come and steal all your Meseta and put all your most valuable items in a box, and eat them. The only way to get them back is to kill the beasts, which will cause them to dissapear, leaving the boxes behind. Conveniently, these creatures labeled the box by least rare to most rare, so that the players working together to recover the goods can yell and scream about why they deserve the contents of that precious red goodness.
Why is it so amazing? Well, you continuously smash the same button over and over again doing mundane combos, killing everything in a room, then moving on to the next one. Sound great? It is. It's a freaking loot drop game, and that's what's most important. And when you play it with friends, it's even better.
A few fun tidbits?
Sure. While I had multiple characters, my human character Deralma was the most used, reaching about Level 120 (the max being 200, yes I didn't even max out). He used both Melee and some magic for healing and ranged damage.
His initial outfit was red, and he specialized in Fire magic. He later used ice magic and turned to a frosty blue color (with hair to match). After receiving what was his ultimate weapon, two devastatingly powerful yellow shortswords (dual wield, FTW!), he changed his outfit and hair to match to a fun yellow, and used lightning. Wheeeeee!
While I put in hundreds of hours, most of it was logged in Offline with my friends (fronz?). I didn't have a Live account for long, since internet didn't work at college with XBox, and when I tried playing it online at home, it was rampart with cheaters and hackers. Of course, the hackers are responsible for my favorite weapon in the game, my dual yellow swords...
Awards and other titles worth noting:
#7 in best games of all time
Most Addicting Award
The Multiplayer Award
The Did-I-Really-Just-Play-That-Level-For-The-Thousanth-Time Award
The Most Pointless Familiar in anything Ever award.
The I Wanna Shoot My Friend in the Face for Being A Bigger Loot Whore Than Me Award
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Saturday, February 21, 2009
My band's new album "sensible people in an impudent way" is out now. I would prefer you buy it in store or from me (the booklet is so pretty) but you can buy it on itunes here if you choose :) 
my band name, Alimentation Couche-Tard is French for "goes to bed late"
The Track List:
1) Meet the Marrow Most Cheerfully
2) Looking Within Myself (To See What Was There)
3) Look at His Friends
4) Mouth Work Faster
5) Silly Things
6) Other People's Backyards
7) The Suicide Shuffle
8) Dump Truck Jungle Love Letters
9) Scooter
10) The Reward for Conformity
my band name, Alimentation Couche-Tard is French for "goes to bed late"
The Track List:
1) Meet the Marrow Most Cheerfully
2) Looking Within Myself (To See What Was There)
3) Look at His Friends
4) Mouth Work Faster
5) Silly Things
6) Other People's Backyards
7) The Suicide Shuffle
8) Dump Truck Jungle Love Letters
9) Scooter
10) The Reward for Conformity
Thursday, February 19, 2009
4 Fun Ways to Torture Your Friends!
Let's face it, we all love torture. And some of us love our friends. (Some of us don't). Either way, torturing your friends can be a really fun social activity when that most villainous of terrorist strikes occurs: the boredom bomb!!!
Anyway, here's the funnest ways to torture your friends, based on my experience. Make sure you get them first before they can get you!!! :)
1) Chinese Water Torture. Tie them down somewhere. Bed works. Tub is fine also. Then slowly drip cold water onto the same spot on their forehead, slowly, drip. drop. drip. drop. They will go insane. Make sure you film it and put it on facebook. Let the hilarity ensue.
2) Pluck out all their hair and make them eat it. This one takes some time, so make sure you clear a whole day for it. Works best on a female friend or a male friend with longer hair. All you need is tweezers and a pie! Simply pluck each hair out of their head, one by one, then insert into the pie. Cook the pie. Tell your friend you won't untie them until they eat the pie. Of course, you can eat it with them if you choose. It's kind of mean to make them eat the whole pie...
3) Crucifixion. Many people don't regard this as torture, but more as a way to cruelly execute someone. Everyone, however, agrees it is fun! And relatively cheap! All you need is some wood, nails and a hammer. If you're looking to avoid spendage (and really, who isn't in this silly economy of ours) then you can use planks and nails that are already in your house! Just search your basement or around the house. This can be part of the fun! Of course, improvising is welcome here. For a fun alternative, try using plain kitchen knives on a wooden wall (or course you may need to Spackle after). If you want to role play, you can even simulate the crucifixion of Jesus by creating a crown out of thorns or construction paper. WARNING: Make sure you remove your friend after a few hours so they don't DIE!!! Also, when nailing their hands, make sure you puncture through the wrist, not the hands, as generally the weight of a person makes it impossible to crucify through the actual hands.
4) Dial-up internet access. Just replace their Broadband Internet with dial-up. Watch the torture truly begin.
Hope you enjoyed this list!
(I need help)
Anyway, here's the funnest ways to torture your friends, based on my experience. Make sure you get them first before they can get you!!! :)
1) Chinese Water Torture. Tie them down somewhere. Bed works. Tub is fine also. Then slowly drip cold water onto the same spot on their forehead, slowly, drip. drop. drip. drop. They will go insane. Make sure you film it and put it on facebook. Let the hilarity ensue.
2) Pluck out all their hair and make them eat it. This one takes some time, so make sure you clear a whole day for it. Works best on a female friend or a male friend with longer hair. All you need is tweezers and a pie! Simply pluck each hair out of their head, one by one, then insert into the pie. Cook the pie. Tell your friend you won't untie them until they eat the pie. Of course, you can eat it with them if you choose. It's kind of mean to make them eat the whole pie...
3) Crucifixion. Many people don't regard this as torture, but more as a way to cruelly execute someone. Everyone, however, agrees it is fun! And relatively cheap! All you need is some wood, nails and a hammer. If you're looking to avoid spendage (and really, who isn't in this silly economy of ours) then you can use planks and nails that are already in your house! Just search your basement or around the house. This can be part of the fun! Of course, improvising is welcome here. For a fun alternative, try using plain kitchen knives on a wooden wall (or course you may need to Spackle after). If you want to role play, you can even simulate the crucifixion of Jesus by creating a crown out of thorns or construction paper. WARNING: Make sure you remove your friend after a few hours so they don't DIE!!! Also, when nailing their hands, make sure you puncture through the wrist, not the hands, as generally the weight of a person makes it impossible to crucify through the actual hands.
4) Dial-up internet access. Just replace their Broadband Internet with dial-up. Watch the torture truly begin.
Hope you enjoyed this list!
(I need help)
Thursday, February 5, 2009
PAULA ABDUL PIC OF THE WEEK
Hello All,
You may remember awhile back during the run of So You Think You Can Dance I did a fabulous Kat Deely pic of the week segment. Well! With the new season on American Idol heating up, I have decided to bring it back, but this time, with Paula. Should be easy!
And now, the first Paula Abdul pic of the week:
You may remember awhile back during the run of So You Think You Can Dance I did a fabulous Kat Deely pic of the week segment. Well! With the new season on American Idol heating up, I have decided to bring it back, but this time, with Paula. Should be easy!
And now, the first Paula Abdul pic of the week:
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
UPDATE: The Essential 10
Hi All,
The Essential 10 is complete! Be sure to scroll down and read the updated list. Huzzah!
The Essential 10 is complete! Be sure to scroll down and read the updated list. Huzzah!
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Saturday, January 31, 2009
The Essential 10
Help me fill in the Essential 10. I will edit as more become available (please give me your suggesations [suggestions] in the comments and justifications if you feel they are needed).
1) FAT
2) ANOREXIC
3) TRANNY
4) CRAZY!
5) SLUTTY
6) SSSSUUUPPPEEERRR GAY
7) EXCESSIVELY FOREIGN
8) COKED OUT
9) JEWISH
10) REALLY HOT (brown chicken brown cow!)
[BONUS: 44) OBAMA LOOK-A-LIKE]
Thanks
UPDATE! WE'RE DONE!! THANKS EVERYONE FOR THEIR HELP (and to Steve and Katie for trying, but failing.)
1) FAT
2) ANOREXIC
3) TRANNY
4) CRAZY!
5) SLUTTY
6) SSSSUUUPPPEEERRR GAY
7) EXCESSIVELY FOREIGN
8) COKED OUT
9) JEWISH
10) REALLY HOT (brown chicken brown cow!)
[BONUS: 44) OBAMA LOOK-A-LIKE]
Thanks
UPDATE! WE'RE DONE!! THANKS EVERYONE FOR THEIR HELP (and to Steve and Katie for trying, but failing.)
My Really Raunchy (AND REALLY TRUE) Sex Story
I probably shouldn't share this on a blog but whatever.
I woke up last Wednesday all hot and sweaty. Too many blankets! After peeling myself out of bed, I realized I was alone. So naturally, I did what any guy would do first thing in the morning when alone in his bedroom. I grabbed my computer, and went onto Facebook, to make sure no one left me any wall posts in my sleep. Usually this is futile, but today was different. I got a message from an old "friend" simply asking me to meet her at our special spot so that we could "do the deed" (you know, drench the pussy, scrub the Scruffy). I was so excited. It had been far too long since I had any hand-on-pussy time.
After sending back a cool "see you in a few" I headed over to her place. She answered the door wearing nothing but her undergarments covered by her overgarments, and she beckoned me in with one sensual finger and the words "You can come in, sorry the place is a mess"
Upon entering, I immediately began to take off my clothes, but stopped once my jacket and shoes were off. Didn't want to dirty the carpet.. at least not until later ;)
"I hope you don't mind, I brought a friend." She said this as she crossed the living room and sat down upon the couch. She snapped her fingers and and tapped on her thigh, and almost instantly you could see her pussy start to come. "I was hoping we could all have a bit of fun together" She said, with the vaguest hint of a smile.
"Of course, the more the merrier" I said, knowingly.
"But", she interjected, gesturing down to her lap. "scruffy comes first".
Yes!! The time was now. I picked her up in my manly arms (she is a bit chubby I admit) and placed her into the bathtub. I began to rub my hands all over her pussy, massaging it gently as I felt it her get wetter and wetter. I felt her squirm and begin to protest, but I admit I sort of loved it as she put up a fight. Made it more fun. As we got more into it, she started to claw at me and subsequently gave me a few new marks on my shoulder. Something I am used to at least.
I kept going though, and eventually, I was done. I could tell by the smell. When I began she reeked of shit and tuna, but after I cleaned her up she smelled like watermelon and clean, matted fur.
After I washed the kitten, Scruffy, I relaxed with my friend until her friend came by. He was a dude. We played boggle, watched some TV, then I went home and went to bed.
All in all, a pretty fun day!
The next day I went over there and we did more of the same (minus washing the cat!) and the same the day after that. On Saturday we had a hot threesome involving the cat (three and a half-some?) and lots of sex toys. Sunday we went to the movies. I love my friends!!!
I woke up last Wednesday all hot and sweaty. Too many blankets! After peeling myself out of bed, I realized I was alone. So naturally, I did what any guy would do first thing in the morning when alone in his bedroom. I grabbed my computer, and went onto Facebook, to make sure no one left me any wall posts in my sleep. Usually this is futile, but today was different. I got a message from an old "friend" simply asking me to meet her at our special spot so that we could "do the deed" (you know, drench the pussy, scrub the Scruffy). I was so excited. It had been far too long since I had any hand-on-pussy time.
After sending back a cool "see you in a few" I headed over to her place. She answered the door wearing nothing but her undergarments covered by her overgarments, and she beckoned me in with one sensual finger and the words "You can come in, sorry the place is a mess"
Upon entering, I immediately began to take off my clothes, but stopped once my jacket and shoes were off. Didn't want to dirty the carpet.. at least not until later ;)
"I hope you don't mind, I brought a friend." She said this as she crossed the living room and sat down upon the couch. She snapped her fingers and and tapped on her thigh, and almost instantly you could see her pussy start to come. "I was hoping we could all have a bit of fun together" She said, with the vaguest hint of a smile.
"Of course, the more the merrier" I said, knowingly.
"But", she interjected, gesturing down to her lap. "scruffy comes first".
Yes!! The time was now. I picked her up in my manly arms (she is a bit chubby I admit) and placed her into the bathtub. I began to rub my hands all over her pussy, massaging it gently as I felt it her get wetter and wetter. I felt her squirm and begin to protest, but I admit I sort of loved it as she put up a fight. Made it more fun. As we got more into it, she started to claw at me and subsequently gave me a few new marks on my shoulder. Something I am used to at least.
I kept going though, and eventually, I was done. I could tell by the smell. When I began she reeked of shit and tuna, but after I cleaned her up she smelled like watermelon and clean, matted fur.
After I washed the kitten, Scruffy, I relaxed with my friend until her friend came by. He was a dude. We played boggle, watched some TV, then I went home and went to bed.
All in all, a pretty fun day!
The next day I went over there and we did more of the same (minus washing the cat!) and the same the day after that. On Saturday we had a hot threesome involving the cat (three and a half-some?) and lots of sex toys. Sunday we went to the movies. I love my friends!!!
Thursday, January 29, 2009
This Post is Dedicated To Joshua Campbell Payne
First off, this is Josh and me. I have altered this photo for anonymity's sake (itz the internetz!!)
Yes, I know, we are adorable.
Now this post has two main functions. Number one, it is so that when folks inevitably search for Josh, they will come across my blog!
Joshua Payne. Joshua Campbell Payne. Josh Payne. Josh Campbell Payne. JC Payne. Mr. Ouch. Josh C Payne. Joshua C Payne. Josh Payne, M.D. Mr. Joshua C. Payne Jr. M.D. Jocampa. Malisonxpert. JoshyPoo317. Mrs. Tom Selleck. JCP in the hizzii. Joshua Payne. Joshua Campbell Payne. Josh Payne. Josh Campbell Payne. JC Payne. Mr. Ouch. Josh C Payne. Joshua C Payne. Josh Payne, M.D. Mr. Joshua C. Payne Jr. M.D. Jocampa. Malisonxpert. JoshyPoo317. Mrs. Tom Selleck. JCP in the hizzii.Joshua Payne. Joshua Campbell Payne. Josh Payne. Josh Campbell Payne. JC Payne. Mr. Ouch. Josh C Payne. Joshua C Payne. Josh Payne, M.D. Mr. Joshua C. Payne Jr. M.D. Jocampa. Malisonxpert. JoshyPoo317. Mrs. Tom Selleck. JCP in the hizzii.Joshua Payne. Joshua Campbell Payne. Josh Payne. Josh Campbell Payne. JC Payne. Mr. Ouch. Josh C Payne. Joshua C Payne. Josh Payne, M.D. Mr. Joshua C. Payne Jr. M.D. Jocampa. Malisonxpert. JoshyPoo317. Mrs. Tom Selleck. JCP in the hizzii.Joshua Payne. Joshua Campbell Payne. Josh Payne. Josh Campbell Payne. JC Payne. Mr. Ouch. Josh C Payne. Joshua C Payne. Josh Payne, M.D. Mr. Joshua C. Payne Jr. M.D. Jocampa. Malisonxpert. JoshyPoo317. Mrs. Tom Selleck. JCP in the hizzii.Joshua Payne. Joshua Campbell Payne. Josh Payne. Josh Campbell Payne. JC Payne. Mr. Ouch. Josh C Payne. Joshua C Payne. Josh Payne, M.D. Mr. Joshua C. Payne Jr. M.D. Jocampa. Malisonxpert. JoshyPoo317. Mrs. Tom Selleck. JCP in the hizzii.Joshua Payne. Joshua Campbell Payne. Josh Payne. Josh Campbell Payne. JC Payne. Mr. Ouch. Josh C Payne. Joshua C Payne. Josh Payne, M.D. Mr. Joshua C. Payne Jr. M.D. Jocampa. Malisonxpert. JoshyPoo317. Mrs. Tom Selleck. JCP in the hizzii.Joshua Payne. Joshua Campbell Payne. Josh Payne. Josh Campbell Payne. JC Payne. Mr. Ouch. Josh C Payne. Joshua C Payne. Josh Payne, M.D. Mr. Joshua C. Payne Jr. M.D. Jocampa. Malisonxpert. JoshyPoo317. Mrs. Tom Selleck. JCP in the hizzii.Joshua Payne. Joshua Campbell Payne. Josh Payne. Josh Campbell Payne. JC Payne. Mr. Ouch. Josh C Payne. Joshua C Payne. Josh Payne, M.D. Mr. Joshua C. Payne Jr. M.D. Jocampa. Malisonxpert. JoshyPoo317. Mrs. Tom Selleck. JCP in the hizzii.Joshua Payne. Joshua Campbell Payne. Josh Payne. Josh Campbell Payne. JC Payne. Mr. Ouch. Josh C Payne. Joshua C Payne. Josh Payne, M.D. Mr. Joshua C. Payne Jr. M.D. Jocampa. Malisonxpert. JoshyPoo317. Mrs. Tom Selleck.
Ok, that should take care of that.
The second post is to praise him, not only only because he made me the banner you see at the top of the page, but also because he is paying me to do so.
The second post is to praise him, not only only because he made me the banner you see at the top of the page, but also because he is paying me to do so.
So anyway, here are 5 Fabulous Things
You May Not Know About Josh.
You May Not Know About Josh.
1) Josh invented Sales. The story is actually quite funny (and he tells it best) but it all came about when he was in a Crate & Barrel and he was attempting to buy some overpriced knick-knacks and home decor. He refused to pay the listed price, and began arguing with a sales clerk. Now, fabulous thing 1.5 might as well be that whenever Josh is angry he suddenly reverts to a stereotypical hick accent. So he is yelling at the guy, and says "I cannot BELIEVE you would try to Say-il (trying to say sell) this shit at this price!" The sales clerk, an avid Sailor, thought he was making reference to a Sailboat made completely out of the shit. The thought tickled the employee so that he ended up selling the knick-knack for 10% off. And things were never the same again.
2) Josh's IQ is in the 400's. Technically. Unfortunately, after 200 it just reverts back to zero, since we cannot record IQ that High. So he is sort of in his 0's... oh well, most believe that people so smart are so far above us that you might as well be talking to a retard since no one knows what the hell they are saying...
3) His blog, bowlofgranola.blogspot.com, was rated by the Bloggers United Life Learning Committee of Really Awesome Pages as the Top Blog in 2008 in the categories of Entertainment, Politics and Misc. Junk. It also won secondary prizes for Excellent Use of Non-Existant Prizes to Artificially Create Comments and the coveted Quality not Quantity Award for its excellent ensemble of reoccuring visitors. (Subsequently, his blog, thingsiinvented.blogspot.com was runner up for the not-so-coveted Failed Potential award, coming in second to my own blog http://glasshalffullreviews.blogspot.com/)
4) The special skills section of his resume is over 700 pages long. Oddly enough, Team Player is no where on the list... but Concise Braggery is on their twice!
5) Josh is at the top of the food chain. Trust me. I've tried to eat him. While he was sleeping. Passed out drunk. I still failed. So has everyone else I know. It's just not possible. I dare you to try. You will also fail.
Goodnight, goons.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
If It's On The Internet
Hey ya'll. This is my new segment, entitled, "If It's On the Internet!"
This is based on the theory that if it is on the internet, it must be true. Since there are many things I would like to be true in this world, and I am too lazy to edit Wikipedia, I will use this medium to do so.
Now..
CONFIRMED: CHICAGO IS A CITY OF HUMANOID CYLONS
Reports have surfaced today proving once and for all what many have known for ages. Chicago is actually populated 98% by Cylons. While still unconfirmed, people are now wondering if our new 44th President, Barack Hussein Obama, who was a senator from Illinois and had residency in Chicago, is among the humanoid Cylon models now being referred to as simply 44.
This would not be the first time a known public figure has been discovered to be a Cylon. The most recent case, of course, the Olson "Twins", who were discovered to be Cylons after Mary Kate OD'd on heroine, then apparently downloaded into a newer, more innocent and religious body. Sadly, Heath Ledger did not download, leading people to assume he was either not a Cylon, or one of the Hollywood Five. When asked if they were Cylons, both twins chirped out an excited "You got it dude!"
IF IT'S ON THE INTERNET, IT MUST BE TRUE!!
This is based on the theory that if it is on the internet, it must be true. Since there are many things I would like to be true in this world, and I am too lazy to edit Wikipedia, I will use this medium to do so.
Now..
CONFIRMED: CHICAGO IS A CITY OF HUMANOID CYLONS
Reports have surfaced today proving once and for all what many have known for ages. Chicago is actually populated 98% by Cylons. While still unconfirmed, people are now wondering if our new 44th President, Barack Hussein Obama, who was a senator from Illinois and had residency in Chicago, is among the humanoid Cylon models now being referred to as simply 44.
This would not be the first time a known public figure has been discovered to be a Cylon. The most recent case, of course, the Olson "Twins", who were discovered to be Cylons after Mary Kate OD'd on heroine, then apparently downloaded into a newer, more innocent and religious body. Sadly, Heath Ledger did not download, leading people to assume he was either not a Cylon, or one of the Hollywood Five. When asked if they were Cylons, both twins chirped out an excited "You got it dude!"
IF IT'S ON THE INTERNET, IT MUST BE TRUE!!
You Know, I would Update this Blog A Lot More
If I had a pretty banner. It would make me feel legit.
Hint Hint.
Hint Hint.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
I wanna be creative
I want to be creative, and present you all with something of interest.
But alas, all that my mind can muster...
Teacups.
But alas, all that my mind can muster...
Teacups.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
An open letter to CJR
UPDATE: Cheif Justice Roberts UNFUCKED up and regave the oath CORRECTLY this time to our poor, dear President Obama. YAY
Dear Chief Justice Roberts:
You fucked up.
Your stupid stupidity stupidly led to an stupid recitation of the oath of office by God Hussein Obama. Because of this, I don't even know if I can consider Obama my President! Sure, the oath is meaningless, and according to the Constitution Obama became President at noon, a whole five minutes before he even recited the oath, but still. It's important to me. And since Bush isn't president, I am essentially presidentless.
Just because you are conservative, and Obama loves abortions doesn't give you the right to mess him up. He doesn't make mistakes. HE IS OBAMA.
Or is it because he is black? I didn't want to go there, but clearly you were distracted by his skin color or something when you attempted to swear him in.
Way to be, Chief Justice, way to be.
And what was up with the end. "So help you God?!???" Stick it up your ass, Roberts.
Love,
Derrick
Dear Chief Justice Roberts:
You fucked up.
Your stupid stupidity stupidly led to an stupid recitation of the oath of office by God Hussein Obama. Because of this, I don't even know if I can consider Obama my President! Sure, the oath is meaningless, and according to the Constitution Obama became President at noon, a whole five minutes before he even recited the oath, but still. It's important to me. And since Bush isn't president, I am essentially presidentless.
Just because you are conservative, and Obama loves abortions doesn't give you the right to mess him up. He doesn't make mistakes. HE IS OBAMA.
Or is it because he is black? I didn't want to go there, but clearly you were distracted by his skin color or something when you attempted to swear him in.
Way to be, Chief Justice, way to be.
And what was up with the end. "So help you God?!???" Stick it up your ass, Roberts.
Love,
Derrick
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
