Help me fill in the Essential 10. I will edit as more become available (please give me your suggesations [suggestions] in the comments and justifications if you feel they are needed).
1) FAT
2) ANOREXIC
3) TRANNY
4) CRAZY!
5) SLUTTY
6) SSSSUUUPPPEEERRR GAY
7) EXCESSIVELY FOREIGN
8) COKED OUT
9) JEWISH
10) REALLY HOT (brown chicken brown cow!)
[BONUS: 44) OBAMA LOOK-A-LIKE]
Thanks
UPDATE! WE'RE DONE!! THANKS EVERYONE FOR THEIR HELP (and to Steve and Katie for trying, but failing.)
Derrick and You Banner
Saturday, January 31, 2009
My Really Raunchy (AND REALLY TRUE) Sex Story
I probably shouldn't share this on a blog but whatever.
I woke up last Wednesday all hot and sweaty. Too many blankets! After peeling myself out of bed, I realized I was alone. So naturally, I did what any guy would do first thing in the morning when alone in his bedroom. I grabbed my computer, and went onto Facebook, to make sure no one left me any wall posts in my sleep. Usually this is futile, but today was different. I got a message from an old "friend" simply asking me to meet her at our special spot so that we could "do the deed" (you know, drench the pussy, scrub the Scruffy). I was so excited. It had been far too long since I had any hand-on-pussy time.
After sending back a cool "see you in a few" I headed over to her place. She answered the door wearing nothing but her undergarments covered by her overgarments, and she beckoned me in with one sensual finger and the words "You can come in, sorry the place is a mess"
Upon entering, I immediately began to take off my clothes, but stopped once my jacket and shoes were off. Didn't want to dirty the carpet.. at least not until later ;)
"I hope you don't mind, I brought a friend." She said this as she crossed the living room and sat down upon the couch. She snapped her fingers and and tapped on her thigh, and almost instantly you could see her pussy start to come. "I was hoping we could all have a bit of fun together" She said, with the vaguest hint of a smile.
"Of course, the more the merrier" I said, knowingly.
"But", she interjected, gesturing down to her lap. "scruffy comes first".
Yes!! The time was now. I picked her up in my manly arms (she is a bit chubby I admit) and placed her into the bathtub. I began to rub my hands all over her pussy, massaging it gently as I felt it her get wetter and wetter. I felt her squirm and begin to protest, but I admit I sort of loved it as she put up a fight. Made it more fun. As we got more into it, she started to claw at me and subsequently gave me a few new marks on my shoulder. Something I am used to at least.
I kept going though, and eventually, I was done. I could tell by the smell. When I began she reeked of shit and tuna, but after I cleaned her up she smelled like watermelon and clean, matted fur.
After I washed the kitten, Scruffy, I relaxed with my friend until her friend came by. He was a dude. We played boggle, watched some TV, then I went home and went to bed.
All in all, a pretty fun day!
The next day I went over there and we did more of the same (minus washing the cat!) and the same the day after that. On Saturday we had a hot threesome involving the cat (three and a half-some?) and lots of sex toys. Sunday we went to the movies. I love my friends!!!
I woke up last Wednesday all hot and sweaty. Too many blankets! After peeling myself out of bed, I realized I was alone. So naturally, I did what any guy would do first thing in the morning when alone in his bedroom. I grabbed my computer, and went onto Facebook, to make sure no one left me any wall posts in my sleep. Usually this is futile, but today was different. I got a message from an old "friend" simply asking me to meet her at our special spot so that we could "do the deed" (you know, drench the pussy, scrub the Scruffy). I was so excited. It had been far too long since I had any hand-on-pussy time.
After sending back a cool "see you in a few" I headed over to her place. She answered the door wearing nothing but her undergarments covered by her overgarments, and she beckoned me in with one sensual finger and the words "You can come in, sorry the place is a mess"
Upon entering, I immediately began to take off my clothes, but stopped once my jacket and shoes were off. Didn't want to dirty the carpet.. at least not until later ;)
"I hope you don't mind, I brought a friend." She said this as she crossed the living room and sat down upon the couch. She snapped her fingers and and tapped on her thigh, and almost instantly you could see her pussy start to come. "I was hoping we could all have a bit of fun together" She said, with the vaguest hint of a smile.
"Of course, the more the merrier" I said, knowingly.
"But", she interjected, gesturing down to her lap. "scruffy comes first".
Yes!! The time was now. I picked her up in my manly arms (she is a bit chubby I admit) and placed her into the bathtub. I began to rub my hands all over her pussy, massaging it gently as I felt it her get wetter and wetter. I felt her squirm and begin to protest, but I admit I sort of loved it as she put up a fight. Made it more fun. As we got more into it, she started to claw at me and subsequently gave me a few new marks on my shoulder. Something I am used to at least.
I kept going though, and eventually, I was done. I could tell by the smell. When I began she reeked of shit and tuna, but after I cleaned her up she smelled like watermelon and clean, matted fur.
After I washed the kitten, Scruffy, I relaxed with my friend until her friend came by. He was a dude. We played boggle, watched some TV, then I went home and went to bed.
All in all, a pretty fun day!
The next day I went over there and we did more of the same (minus washing the cat!) and the same the day after that. On Saturday we had a hot threesome involving the cat (three and a half-some?) and lots of sex toys. Sunday we went to the movies. I love my friends!!!
Thursday, January 29, 2009
This Post is Dedicated To Joshua Campbell Payne
First off, this is Josh and me. I have altered this photo for anonymity's sake (itz the internetz!!)
Yes, I know, we are adorable.
Now this post has two main functions. Number one, it is so that when folks inevitably search for Josh, they will come across my blog!
Joshua Payne. Joshua Campbell Payne. Josh Payne. Josh Campbell Payne. JC Payne. Mr. Ouch. Josh C Payne. Joshua C Payne. Josh Payne, M.D. Mr. Joshua C. Payne Jr. M.D. Jocampa. Malisonxpert. JoshyPoo317. Mrs. Tom Selleck. JCP in the hizzii. Joshua Payne. Joshua Campbell Payne. Josh Payne. Josh Campbell Payne. JC Payne. Mr. Ouch. Josh C Payne. Joshua C Payne. Josh Payne, M.D. Mr. Joshua C. Payne Jr. M.D. Jocampa. Malisonxpert. JoshyPoo317. Mrs. Tom Selleck. JCP in the hizzii.Joshua Payne. Joshua Campbell Payne. Josh Payne. Josh Campbell Payne. JC Payne. Mr. Ouch. Josh C Payne. Joshua C Payne. Josh Payne, M.D. Mr. Joshua C. Payne Jr. M.D. Jocampa. Malisonxpert. JoshyPoo317. Mrs. Tom Selleck. JCP in the hizzii.Joshua Payne. Joshua Campbell Payne. Josh Payne. Josh Campbell Payne. JC Payne. Mr. Ouch. Josh C Payne. Joshua C Payne. Josh Payne, M.D. Mr. Joshua C. Payne Jr. M.D. Jocampa. Malisonxpert. JoshyPoo317. Mrs. Tom Selleck. JCP in the hizzii.Joshua Payne. Joshua Campbell Payne. Josh Payne. Josh Campbell Payne. JC Payne. Mr. Ouch. Josh C Payne. Joshua C Payne. Josh Payne, M.D. Mr. Joshua C. Payne Jr. M.D. Jocampa. Malisonxpert. JoshyPoo317. Mrs. Tom Selleck. JCP in the hizzii.Joshua Payne. Joshua Campbell Payne. Josh Payne. Josh Campbell Payne. JC Payne. Mr. Ouch. Josh C Payne. Joshua C Payne. Josh Payne, M.D. Mr. Joshua C. Payne Jr. M.D. Jocampa. Malisonxpert. JoshyPoo317. Mrs. Tom Selleck. JCP in the hizzii.Joshua Payne. Joshua Campbell Payne. Josh Payne. Josh Campbell Payne. JC Payne. Mr. Ouch. Josh C Payne. Joshua C Payne. Josh Payne, M.D. Mr. Joshua C. Payne Jr. M.D. Jocampa. Malisonxpert. JoshyPoo317. Mrs. Tom Selleck. JCP in the hizzii.Joshua Payne. Joshua Campbell Payne. Josh Payne. Josh Campbell Payne. JC Payne. Mr. Ouch. Josh C Payne. Joshua C Payne. Josh Payne, M.D. Mr. Joshua C. Payne Jr. M.D. Jocampa. Malisonxpert. JoshyPoo317. Mrs. Tom Selleck. JCP in the hizzii.Joshua Payne. Joshua Campbell Payne. Josh Payne. Josh Campbell Payne. JC Payne. Mr. Ouch. Josh C Payne. Joshua C Payne. Josh Payne, M.D. Mr. Joshua C. Payne Jr. M.D. Jocampa. Malisonxpert. JoshyPoo317. Mrs. Tom Selleck. JCP in the hizzii.Joshua Payne. Joshua Campbell Payne. Josh Payne. Josh Campbell Payne. JC Payne. Mr. Ouch. Josh C Payne. Joshua C Payne. Josh Payne, M.D. Mr. Joshua C. Payne Jr. M.D. Jocampa. Malisonxpert. JoshyPoo317. Mrs. Tom Selleck.
Ok, that should take care of that.
The second post is to praise him, not only only because he made me the banner you see at the top of the page, but also because he is paying me to do so.
The second post is to praise him, not only only because he made me the banner you see at the top of the page, but also because he is paying me to do so.
So anyway, here are 5 Fabulous Things
You May Not Know About Josh.
You May Not Know About Josh.
1) Josh invented Sales. The story is actually quite funny (and he tells it best) but it all came about when he was in a Crate & Barrel and he was attempting to buy some overpriced knick-knacks and home decor. He refused to pay the listed price, and began arguing with a sales clerk. Now, fabulous thing 1.5 might as well be that whenever Josh is angry he suddenly reverts to a stereotypical hick accent. So he is yelling at the guy, and says "I cannot BELIEVE you would try to Say-il (trying to say sell) this shit at this price!" The sales clerk, an avid Sailor, thought he was making reference to a Sailboat made completely out of the shit. The thought tickled the employee so that he ended up selling the knick-knack for 10% off. And things were never the same again.
2) Josh's IQ is in the 400's. Technically. Unfortunately, after 200 it just reverts back to zero, since we cannot record IQ that High. So he is sort of in his 0's... oh well, most believe that people so smart are so far above us that you might as well be talking to a retard since no one knows what the hell they are saying...
3) His blog, bowlofgranola.blogspot.com, was rated by the Bloggers United Life Learning Committee of Really Awesome Pages as the Top Blog in 2008 in the categories of Entertainment, Politics and Misc. Junk. It also won secondary prizes for Excellent Use of Non-Existant Prizes to Artificially Create Comments and the coveted Quality not Quantity Award for its excellent ensemble of reoccuring visitors. (Subsequently, his blog, thingsiinvented.blogspot.com was runner up for the not-so-coveted Failed Potential award, coming in second to my own blog http://glasshalffullreviews.blogspot.com/)
4) The special skills section of his resume is over 700 pages long. Oddly enough, Team Player is no where on the list... but Concise Braggery is on their twice!
5) Josh is at the top of the food chain. Trust me. I've tried to eat him. While he was sleeping. Passed out drunk. I still failed. So has everyone else I know. It's just not possible. I dare you to try. You will also fail.
Goodnight, goons.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
If It's On The Internet
Hey ya'll. This is my new segment, entitled, "If It's On the Internet!"
This is based on the theory that if it is on the internet, it must be true. Since there are many things I would like to be true in this world, and I am too lazy to edit Wikipedia, I will use this medium to do so.
Now..
CONFIRMED: CHICAGO IS A CITY OF HUMANOID CYLONS
Reports have surfaced today proving once and for all what many have known for ages. Chicago is actually populated 98% by Cylons. While still unconfirmed, people are now wondering if our new 44th President, Barack Hussein Obama, who was a senator from Illinois and had residency in Chicago, is among the humanoid Cylon models now being referred to as simply 44.
This would not be the first time a known public figure has been discovered to be a Cylon. The most recent case, of course, the Olson "Twins", who were discovered to be Cylons after Mary Kate OD'd on heroine, then apparently downloaded into a newer, more innocent and religious body. Sadly, Heath Ledger did not download, leading people to assume he was either not a Cylon, or one of the Hollywood Five. When asked if they were Cylons, both twins chirped out an excited "You got it dude!"
IF IT'S ON THE INTERNET, IT MUST BE TRUE!!
This is based on the theory that if it is on the internet, it must be true. Since there are many things I would like to be true in this world, and I am too lazy to edit Wikipedia, I will use this medium to do so.
Now..
CONFIRMED: CHICAGO IS A CITY OF HUMANOID CYLONS
Reports have surfaced today proving once and for all what many have known for ages. Chicago is actually populated 98% by Cylons. While still unconfirmed, people are now wondering if our new 44th President, Barack Hussein Obama, who was a senator from Illinois and had residency in Chicago, is among the humanoid Cylon models now being referred to as simply 44.
This would not be the first time a known public figure has been discovered to be a Cylon. The most recent case, of course, the Olson "Twins", who were discovered to be Cylons after Mary Kate OD'd on heroine, then apparently downloaded into a newer, more innocent and religious body. Sadly, Heath Ledger did not download, leading people to assume he was either not a Cylon, or one of the Hollywood Five. When asked if they were Cylons, both twins chirped out an excited "You got it dude!"
IF IT'S ON THE INTERNET, IT MUST BE TRUE!!
You Know, I would Update this Blog A Lot More
If I had a pretty banner. It would make me feel legit.
Hint Hint.
Hint Hint.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
I wanna be creative
I want to be creative, and present you all with something of interest.
But alas, all that my mind can muster...
Teacups.
But alas, all that my mind can muster...
Teacups.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
An open letter to CJR
UPDATE: Cheif Justice Roberts UNFUCKED up and regave the oath CORRECTLY this time to our poor, dear President Obama. YAY
Dear Chief Justice Roberts:
You fucked up.
Your stupid stupidity stupidly led to an stupid recitation of the oath of office by God Hussein Obama. Because of this, I don't even know if I can consider Obama my President! Sure, the oath is meaningless, and according to the Constitution Obama became President at noon, a whole five minutes before he even recited the oath, but still. It's important to me. And since Bush isn't president, I am essentially presidentless.
Just because you are conservative, and Obama loves abortions doesn't give you the right to mess him up. He doesn't make mistakes. HE IS OBAMA.
Or is it because he is black? I didn't want to go there, but clearly you were distracted by his skin color or something when you attempted to swear him in.
Way to be, Chief Justice, way to be.
And what was up with the end. "So help you God?!???" Stick it up your ass, Roberts.
Love,
Derrick
Dear Chief Justice Roberts:
You fucked up.
Your stupid stupidity stupidly led to an stupid recitation of the oath of office by God Hussein Obama. Because of this, I don't even know if I can consider Obama my President! Sure, the oath is meaningless, and according to the Constitution Obama became President at noon, a whole five minutes before he even recited the oath, but still. It's important to me. And since Bush isn't president, I am essentially presidentless.
Just because you are conservative, and Obama loves abortions doesn't give you the right to mess him up. He doesn't make mistakes. HE IS OBAMA.
Or is it because he is black? I didn't want to go there, but clearly you were distracted by his skin color or something when you attempted to swear him in.
Way to be, Chief Justice, way to be.
And what was up with the end. "So help you God?!???" Stick it up your ass, Roberts.
Love,
Derrick
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
